CHRISTMAS ATV STORIES
Christmas with
Angus Perdido
Date: December 10th
Place: Billy Bogs Garage/Shed
Tyler: Hey Billy Bog, I’m glad we decided to go and visit
Hiram’s cousin Angus Perdido this Christmas and it is really good of your wife
Ester to make a turkey supper for the old fella. How long has Angus lived back
Billy Bog: For a real long time
Billy Bog: Let’s see. There’s you and your wife Ruth,
Hiram and his wife Adah, the president of the ATV Rollin Ramblers, Buster Gut
and his wife Rhonda and me and my wife Ester, that makes 8 of us. I guess it’s
going to take 2 hours to get to Angus’s place then we unload our ATV’s and give
Angus his supplies, then we are going to have a light lunch after which Angus
is going to lead us on his Big Red to see a giant oak tree he says is over 250
years old and stands over 80 feet high. The Grand Oak as he calls it is in a
grove of 12 other oak and it stands alone in the center. It’s only a 20-minute
ride from his camp but the road is really rough and Hiram is the only one in
recent memory besides Angus who has seen the tree. I guess it’s something to
behold, Hiram says it looks like an old preacher man bending over a pulpit.
Angus considers himself the guardian of that tree and Hiram says that when
Angus first saw the tree more than 40 years ago he moved back to the camp and
never left.
Tyler: A few of us were out riding the ATV’s last
month and we stopped at Hedgehog Browns camp, Hiram was with us and told us
about going back to visit Angus last June. He said it had rained for 2 days and
the trails were real muddy and lots worse than usual. Well there was Hiram,
Adah and your aunt Martha riding her Big Bear. Well Martha buried that Big Bear
in mud and Hiram only had 50 feet of cable on his Warn winch and Martha was 52
feet away from his ATV. Hiram thought it out for a while and talked things over
with his wife Adah and then approached your aunt Martha with a possible
solution, which finally got her ATV out of that mud hole. That Hiram sure is
smart most of the time.
Billy Bog: I never heard that tale. Tell me what happened.
Tyler: Well try to keep this to yourself and a few
hundred other people will you and for my sake don’t let your aunt Martha find
out you heard this from me.
Billy Bog: I won’t say a word to her.
Billy Bog: Yeh, I know the ones, I’ve seen them
hanging on her clothesline. They are some gross looking.
Billy Bog: Now doesn’t that beat it all. They
should make tires out of that panty hose material; we would never get a flat
tire.
Billy Bog: Adios amigo.
Date: December 19th
Place: The Rollin Ramblers Clubhouse
Hiram : Well Buster I can’t thank the Rollin Ramblers enough. I didn’t expect everyone to work so hard gathering up supplies on behalf of my cousin Angus.
Buster: You betcha Hiram, it has been an
inspiration for the club to do this. When the Ramblers heard some of the tales
of Angus Perdido you couldn’t stop them from pitching in to help out the old
timer.
Beercap: Yeh, all us Ramblers are glad to help.
Buzzy: Hiram, if he’s your kin then he’s cut from
the same cloth as you and in my books that’s #1 material. Now you guys get back
to work and help me get this 300 Honda up to snuff, we have to have it in A1
shape for old Angus.
Hiram: Buzzy, you didn’t tell me that 1988 4x4 300
Honda was for Angus. That must have cost someone lots of money.
Buzzy: It didn’t cost as much as you think. We had
us one of them 50-50 draws at our last Porker Rally and that raised $200. The
Porker rally top prize of $100 was won by Beercap and he donated the whole $100
to this project. The ATV was just sitting around Wally Lump Lumps yard since he
had the back operation. I guess he won’t be able to ride for quite for some
time and then he’s going to get something with lotsa suspension. He told us to
just take the machine as it was just going to rot away if nobody used it. It
was in darn rough shape but after Professor Dave got at it with his tools and
the rest of us scrounged up some used parts from some of the local bike shops
it has turned into a real cool cruiser.
Buster: You betcha it has.
Hiram: Angus will really appreciate it as the
’83 Big Red has finally given up the
ghost. Well boys I‘ll let you get back to work and thanks again.
Ramblers: See ya later Hiram.
Date: December24th
Place: Hirams House
Adah: Hiram my love, bring those 2 fruitcakes over to me will you. I’m going to pack them to bring to Angus. One is for Angus and the other is for all of us to eat with our lunch after we get there.
Hiram: Certainly my duck. How about I sample some
of that cake to see if they are up to snuff.
Adah: Remember last year when you sampled my
fruitcake? Before I caught on, you had devoured more than half of it. You will
just have to wait until to-morrow.
Hiram: What’s that noise outside.
Adah: (looking out the kitchen window) It’s Billy
Bog he just pulled into the yard on his ATV.
Hiram: Well if it isn’t my favorite nephew.
Billy Bog: How’s it going there uncle. Well it
seems I’ve arrived just in time to sample some of Aunt Adahs fruitcake. (Billy
hugs Adah).
Adah: Hiram, I swear you and all the men in your
family have hollow legs and can smell food from a mile away.
Billy Bog: Does that mean I’m not getting to
sample that fruitcake, auntie?
Hiram: Forget it my son, I already tried and the
old girl isn’t falling for your charm to night. The cake is for the get
together up at Angus’s place tomorrow.
Billy Bog: Yeh and like you said Adah, old Angus
is going to smell that fruitcake coming 15 minutes before we get there. He’s
got a honker on him that’s the envy of those Blood Hound sniffer dogs.
Adah: How’s Esther making out with her last minute
chores? Did she get the turkey all done up for Angus?
Billy Bog: Yes it’s all ready. I couldn’t convince
her to part with a leg of that bird and I’m about half starved, she’s some
stingy with that bird.
Adah: Well sit down my trout, sittin is as cheap
as standing. I’m not going to see you shrivel away with starvation, how would
you fancy some of my meat pie and a cup of tea.
Billy Bog: (hugging Adah) Have I ever told you
that you get more beautiful every Christmas?
Adah: Stop with all the malarkey or I’ll put the
pie away.
Hiram: She is like vintage wine Billy, she just
gets better with age. Adah since I don’t like seeing someone eat alone I might
as well join Billy would you be so kind as to cut a second piece of that pie
and pour me a cup of tea too.
Adah: What the heck. I see it’s going to be tea
for three and meat pie for everyone and afterwards Hiram you can drive me over
on the ATV to see Esther.
Billy: Yeh and we’ll stop at
Hiram: I’ll second that motion. I want to see that
new litter of puppies that
Adah: Really Hiram? It’s been 2 years since Spike
died and I’ve always wanted another dog.
Hiram: We’ll see old girl. We’ll see.
Date: December28th
Place: The Rollin Rambers Clubhouse
Beercap: Well com'on now Buster you been putting us off long enough, tell us how it was back at Angus' place at Christmas.
Wally Lump Lump: You haven't said much since you came back. What's the big secret?
Prof Dave: Yes we got you cornered now. You have to tell us.
Buzzy: If he don't start barking out some information quick I'm all for making him eat all those 6 leftover turkey sandwiches “the Hopper brothers” Clem and Clod dropped off to the clubhouse to-day.
Beercap: No, thats not going to do it. He would love to get his hands on those turkey sandwiches. I saw him eat at least 11 at one sitting at Cuzzy's a few years back.
Buster: You betcha, I'll tell you but just stop torturing me with all the questions. Gather close and listen well because I'm not repeating myself and I swear there is not a word of a lie in the tale I’ll be telling ya.
Wally Lump Lump: I don’t want to hear no spooky stuff especially if it’s about space ships and if any Martians took you for a ride. I don't want to hear it.
Beercap: What have you been drinking over the last couple of days Wally? Have you gone crazy or what? They just went back to see Angus. He's probably going to relate the nightmare he had Boxing Day night after trying to digest 1/3 of that 25 lb turkey Rhonda cooked, along with at least 2 pounds of sausage stuffing and a Tonka Toy dump truck load of mashed potatoes topped with gravy. On top of that El Presidente hisself followed this display of gluttony with an attempt to enter the Guinness book of records by eating the most mince pie ever ate by a mortal. After eating almost 3 extra large pies he ended up lying on the floor; face down with his face embedded in the 3rd pie gasping for breath begging me to shoot him because his stomach ached so bad. I kept the aluminum pie plate as evidence; it has the indentation of his face still in it. I’m going to frame it and hang it up in the clubhouse.
Buster: God. Save me from the bedlam and from these tormenters. Tell me now if you’re finished tormenting me or I'll not say another word and you can bet your ATV on that
Ramblers: O.K we’re finished. Go ahead Buster.
Buster:
You betcha. The 8 of us left as planned early Christmas morn, Rhonda rode the
Honda TRX300 we were giving to Angus and it never had a problem all the way in.
It was a grand day, a little unusual as it was like a fair, sunny spring
day and not much like our usual cold Christmas day and there wasn't a
trace of snow anywhere. The ground was hard enough that it wasn't muddy so
other than the monster size craters on
Wally Lump Lump: This isn't gonna keep me from sleeping to-night is it? I been having trouble sleeping lately and I sure don't want to hear no scary stuff this late at night.
Beer Cap: Shut up, will you and let him get on with the tale. The tire on his ATV just probably went flat like it always does when he goes for a ride. He never checks them before he leaves.
Buster:
You betcha. I checked them this time and the tires were all
right. When we got to the crossroads we all thought a storm was brewing
because we heard a loud noise like Rolling Thunder and then an eagle flew 10
feet over our heads in the direction we were going.
Prof Dave: Ya thats weird Buster but didn't anything exciting happen? Like did your ATV's muffler fall off or didn't anybody's engine overheat? How about the deep gully you had to cross, didn’t anybody upset his or her ATV? Lets cut to the action.
Buster: You betcha. 10 minutes after we saw the eagle a giant moose stepped in front of us, looked at us and grunted, turned around and ambled down the road in front of us and wouldn't get off the Road for about at least an hour and then as we passed the washed out Black Bridge he turned and looked at us once more then grunted and stepped into the dense bush and disappeared.
Beer Cap: Thats weird Buster.
Buster: You betcha. Well when we got to Angus's place the old timer was out in the yard splitting up some firewood and he greeted us and was some glad to see us. Well we all had our lunch and then Angus got on the Big Red and led us on the road towards the Grand Oak. When we were 5 minutes from the oak grove Hiram stopped his ATV and said we shouldn't take the ATV's any closer. Not wanting to offend the old timer we left our ATV's and started to walk the last couple of hundred yards when all of a sudden it clouded over and started to snow like all get out and again we heard the loud noise like Rolling Thunder, by the time we got within site of the oak grove there was an inch of snow on the ground. When we entered the oak grove the snow suddenly stopped, the sun came out and another bald headed eagle flew into the oak grove just 10 feet over our heads and then perched itself in the top branches of the Grand Oak. We were so amazed by all the happenings of the day that none of us spoke a word and after 5 minutes Angus led us back to our ATV's and we rode back to his camp without any further incident. We all had a cup of hot tea and I had a few more of pieces of fruitcake followed by 2 or 3 more turkey sandwiches. Hiram and Angus then told everyone the story about when Hiram first gave the 1983 Honda Big Red to Angus.
Ramblers: We never heard that tale. Tell us Buster.
Buster: You betcha. Well last year there was me and Hiram and Adah and we all went to see Angus and we brought the Big Red. Adah drove Hirams ATV and Hiram rode the 3 wheeler and I was on my Honda TRX450. Well Angus Perdido is at least 6 feet 4 inches tall and the first time Angus road the 3 wheeler he was always putting his feet down to steady himself because he thought it was going to flip over. I always said he's way too big for that machine. Well we drove around a little on the trails by his camp and then we all got ahead of him on the trail and we drove for awhile and then we stopped on the trail and waited 5 minutes and Angus didn't show up so Hiram went back on the trail to see what happened to Angus. Within minutes Hiram was back and told us to follow him, we did and when we spotted Angus he was sitting on the Big Red and both his feet were stuck under the 2 back wheels of the ATV. He was laughing so hard he had a hard time telling us what happened. He finally calmed down and told us that he had been going real slow around a corner and he put his feet down to steady himself and when he did the tires ran over his feet pinning him to the spot. Well we got out the camera and took a few pictures of old Angus stuck like glue and then we set him free. Angus really gets a laugh out of remembering that day. Hiram installed a set of floorboards on the Big Red after that so Angus wouldn't get stuck anymore. He said he wouldn't want to come back on his monthly visit and find the skeleton of old Angus sitting on the Big Red with the feet stuck under the wheels.
Beer Cap: Well that was something Buster. Did anything else happen at Angus' place this Christmas?
Buster: You betcha. On behalf of the Ramblers I presented Angus with the keys to the Honda TRX300 and did old Angus ever get excited. He was so happy he made me eat some of the fruitcake that Adah had given to him. On the drive home my stomach hurt all the way back.
Beercap: You are something else Buster. What are we ever going to do with you?
Wally Lump Lump: If those Martians ever do come here and say "Take us to your leader". We're just going to point at you and say:
Ramblers:
“He's our leader”.
Beercap:
That will scare them into going back to Mars. They might think Buster Gut would
eat them too.
Buster:
I’m going home, you boys are hopeless.
Ramblers: See ya later Buster.
December 2003